I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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