Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize