life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
