Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
