Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
