so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
