No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
