I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
