Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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