I can tuck mytits in my pants
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
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