drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
