You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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