How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
