I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
