i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
