My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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