Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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