I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
