she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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