I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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