nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
