No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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