I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize