I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
