I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
