My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
