There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
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