mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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