I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So much rum. So many feels.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
