he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
