My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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