so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
