I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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