i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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