I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
