i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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