By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
