She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
4 words: hood of his car
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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