I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
