he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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