I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
