I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
