I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
