i already hear my dad disowning me
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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