i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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