I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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