Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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