Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
