my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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