there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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