you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
