I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
