Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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