I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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