She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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