she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
