what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
