Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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