people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
