I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
