Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
