what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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