My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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