Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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