I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
